The damage is done [Kieran]

The last few nights he had been sleep deprived, he had a sudden lost of appetite, and couldn't get the motivation to focus. Albus had gotten his first grade that was below his normal straight O average. The night of the ball weighed heavy on his mind, Albus remembered everything, he just didn't understand why he was now being avoided like a bad trend. Deep down it hurt, he knew of the actions that took place between he and Frankie, had he been sober would the out come be the same. In honesty he didn't expect Frankie to admit he had a crush. It could have went really bad if Albus wasn't curious himself. Why else would he have let things go as far as they did? Albus freaked out when anyone touched him, and he swallowed his fear and allowed it for Frankie. The feeling so familiar in his mind. Yet now he felt like he did something wrong. Five long days, cold and alone with no one to speak to of his issue. Albus wished he could turn her racy mind off, yet he knew that wouldn't be the case. If only things were that easy.

The prefect sat in the library trying to get some homework done. His mind seemed to wonder every time he actually dipped his quill in ink. The words in his Charms book seemed to collide together making it impossible for him to learn to turn vinegar to wine. Merlin, how it all started with a wine date. Albus kicked his feet, that dangled back and forth under the chair he had been sitting in. His anxiety levels were high and he was beginning to assume the worst. Perhaps he wasn't good enough, or didn't hold the proper experience for his best friend. It could happen, maybe this crush was just a curiosity that needed to be killed. Albus looked over into the fireplace that he had been near. The orange flames dancing with destruction, as his own mind did. Albus rubbed his wrist absently, feeling the scars from the past, so vivid in his mind. He closed his eyes, allowing his fingertips to roam his pale skin. The things he used to do, to kill this rage, and anxiety were far from healthy but the out come always soothed him. Why was he thinking this way, it wasn't normal.

Opening his eyes he ruffled his hair looking down at his parchment. He started to write, scribbling out whatever words appeared. Nothing made sense. His world was falling apart. First his father, the man he was closest to left him alone in the world, confused and spiteful. Then he felt James distancing himself. Albus was never close to his mother, therefore he couldn't speak to her. Lily was too young to deal with his burden. The rest of the family, he was never too close to. There was no one left on his side. Finally the one person he did love, and care for was avoiding him. Abandonment was strong on his mind and he had never felt so alone. The tears of frustration and pain rolled down his freckled cheeks as he quickly wiped them away. Albus Potter didn't cry, it was weak yet he was at a breaking point. It started to become hot in the room, as he loosened his uniform tie. Albus rolled up his sleeves as he tried to keep his breathing to normal level. It was hard to gasp in air, and he felt himself getting a bit mad.

This was all his bloody fault. Why did he have to get flirtatious when he drank? Al probably scared poor Jack off like he did Frankie. It was starting to sink in that his best friend hated him, or thought he was incapable of understanding the confession the boy made when he was drunk. Albus understood, he didn't think too much on it that night. Yet now he was losing himself trying to figure out what he heck he did to make Frankie want to abandon him. None of Al's friends could understand this. Albus scowled, growling in anger, swiping his books off the table, hearing them crash to the floor. He looked down and panting for breath, as he let a few more tears fall. Foot steps caused him to look up and see Kieran. The boy took a breath and wiped his cheeks feeling quite foolish as his aggressive display. "Hey..." He said softly as he straightened himself out getting to his knees as he attempted to gather his books and scattered parchment. "This is really embarrassing, I'm so..sorry you had to witness that." Albus said not wanting to look up at his friend. It was rude not to, so he at least peeked up, hoping his eyes were not too red and obvious. Albus looked back to the floor, he must have looked like a pathetic lost puppy dog, yet he couldn't help to drown in his own misery and confusion.

w e . c a n . b e a t . t h e m
j u s t . f o r . o n e . d a y

It was just one of those days, for whatever reason it could have been sunny outside and to Kieran he saw clouds and gloominess. For whatever reason the world took a shade of gray and mere flashes of color were visible. It might have been his mood or the fact that the full moon was approaching, but it was always approaching and there never seemed to be an escape. Adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder he rubbed near his neck with his opposite hand. Books seemed to be all the friends in the world and yet they were still a burden. The words on the pages did not judge him or know who his birth father was, who he was related to and all that. The past few weeks were a flurry of social gossip and chatter all around. The Valentine's dance had been quite the event, mostly successful, though by the sulking faces he saw now and then he could tell that it was not the same results for everybody else. Kieran had only attended in the fact that they had needed most of the Prefects there to help the chaperoning professors, so naturally being the quiet one that he was and one of the few that was not a social butterfly as the charismatic Head Boy he was volunteered and there he was trying to mingle with what faces he recognized but really he sipped on the punch to help him relax as he just walked around for a while before just leaving. However, he had noticed that Pucey showed up rather late and Potter hadn't even attended, part of the student leadership that he figured might have attended. Though with Albus he can't say that he was surprised.

Walking up the few flights of stairs he noticed that the majority of the students were walking in the opposite direction, probably to go out and enjoy the weather and not study for this marked the weekend and most students preferred to procrastinate on Sunday night having to write yards of parchment for Potions or something. Such things caused Kieran a great deal of anxiety as he wanted everything a certain way as far as if he could control it and procrastinating was not something on his schedule especially because he knew he did rounds on Saturday night and Quidditch practice on Sunday. He walked slowly up the flight of stairs, nodding to the students that might notice him or say hello. He was only known really because he was one of the Prefects and infamously for being the son of a Greyback as was his sister the fellow prefect in his house. It was strange, meeting your family so many years after the fact. And even stranger to learn of their childhoods and upbringings and the rainbows and butterflies that their stories held on comparison to his own. This cold castle was his home as he didn't have one, the Orphanage took him in but he hated that place with a passion and dreamed of better things for him. Turning the corner at the top of the flight of stairs he made his way to the Library, nodding to the Librarian at the desk. Kieran was definitely a regular, but he did not mind because he liked to read and he liked to learn and being smart was all he really had in this world to defend himself against who people perceived he was.

There were very few souls in this place and to be honest he preferred it that way. There was nothing more obnoxious than students giggling and gossiping in a place that was supposed to be calm for those who wanted to think. Wasn't that what the student lounge was for? And for Merlin's sake they knew charms that could control the volume of their space around them, use them. Well at least Kieran knew them, as he had read them in his Charms book. Today he wanted his space, his time to unwind and ignore the world and he walked in between bookshelves to find an an empty table, though stopped when he heard noise. It wasn't students as far as he could tell but books falling and not just one. Walking to the end of the aisle he saw the books on the ground and a boy at a table. Of course Kieran recognized Albus, how could he not for he was his friend and one of the few who was similar to him in a few ways. Kieran paused for a second, he looked upset and he doubted that any assignment thrown at Albus Potter was enough to make him upset to tears, maybe another student but not him or even Kieran for that matter. Setting his bag down he knelt down in front of him and helped him pick up his things. "Are you alright? What happened? Even if it hadn't been his friend in this case he would show the common courtesy either way, that is if he could find the mind to speak up though he was much better at that now then he'd ever been in the past. Kieran looked worried, they'd both seen each other in different states and he was no stranger to having moments of being severely upset as he had his own demons that haunted him. Albus should know that he could talk to him, the one person in this school that knew the consequences of a name, he didn't judge.

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lyrics: heroes - david bowie
words: 920
notes: :]
credit: to vanessa!

The hardest part about everything was he wasn't going to speak his emotions on the matter. It was scary the thoughts he was having, as well as the mood swing that brought him an uncomfortable level of anxiety. Albus normally dealt with this type of thing alone at home, under Lily's supervision of course. His little sister wouldn't let him come to the point of hysteria, where he couldn't bring himself back without seeing blood. Albus was this way since he turned thirteen. It was just moodiness at first, then came the suicide thoughts, and insecurity. After confessing to his parents, he had to see that bloody muggle psychiatrist, who labeled him. Giving him the mind altering pills that dulled his mind from it's full potential. Albus hated those pills, the way the made him anxious and quiet. This was how he'd spend his morning at Hogwarts, disappearing to the hospital wing to take those pills that made him borderline sane. It had been a couple days since he last took them, depression and abandonment taking over his daily routine. Albus didn't care to take them either, which may have been why he was letting every little detail get to him.

After convincing himself he couldn't work, and actually producing tears of frustration he made a mess of his things. It wasn't expected that someone was viewing, as he fell to his knees trying to recover from his own embarrassment. Albus knew Kieran wasn't the type to judge him, the two were similar coming to common grounds in the past. Over all it bonded them as good friends, and he just wasn't sure how to talk on this matter. If anyone had abandonment issues it was Kieran, Albus would feel foolish addressing his own concerns of what he had been thinking moments before the boy showed up. Losing his father was one thing, he couldn't help that, as much as he blamed himself for not being there. Losing a best friend was his own fault, letting his hormones get the better of him and not thinking of consequences. Albus lived the moment, he was often careless and didn't like to regret but was this mistake too big to fix? Albus tried to gather his things letting a couple more tears stream down his freckled cheeks as the other boy came to aid him. At Kieran's questioning him he nodded. "I'm fine." Albus whispered. Normal to push others away when he was upset no matter the relation. It wasn't smart for him to continue until he had a hold on himself because he knew he'd just end up crying more. "Thanks..." Albus said taking his things putting them into a little neat stack in front of himself.

For a moment he didn't know what to say, he just backed himself up to his back was to a book shelf, and he pulled his knees to his chest looking around trying to get into a safe place. He hadn't moved too far from the other boy but he needed to make sure his back was covered when it came to being to vulnerable. Albus knew Kieran wouldn't let anything happen to him as well, but his fear levels ranged all over the place, and he wasn't taken chances. Once he was calm he looked to the other boy as wiped the tears from his eyes. "I've made a huge mistake, and I'm just dealing with it, I haven't ate or slept and it's just effecting me now I guess." Albus explained not sure if he should give more details. Albus like to refer to himself as an open book when it came to his friends, it would give them a better understanding of him. Nothing could be mistaken or misinterpreted if he actually spoke on the matter at hand. "I guess I'm not good enough for him, or I just really screwed things up being a whore." Albus muttered unamused with his word choice, he wasn't sure if Kieran would understand but he said what he could before his stomach turned, and his mouth became dry. It was harder to speak, and he could feel the water brim his eyes as he quickly wiped his tears. The other boy may have still been clueless but Albus was sure he knew he was suffering from some type of relationship issue, with the information given thus far.

w e . c a n . b e a t . t h e m
j u s t . f o r . o n e . d a y

Kieran knew that Albus was as much a ball of emotion as he was and they understood each other to a point at that level. Different triggers set them off but just as he had been unable to sleep that night a while back and his brother found him freaking out to the point of wanting to just crawl out of his skin he knew that these episodes were terrible and sometimes just happened without warning at all. However, he hadn't spoken to Albus recently and really didn't have much of a clue outside of his family tragedies of what would have caused him such sadness and anxiety to which he was witnessing right now. While their issues were different, as Kieran had abandonment and lack of family versus Albus' large family and supportive, something he would never admit he was fiercely jealous of. It wasn't anyone's fault but Fenrir Greyback's that it was the way it was but that was a whole other matter because his father still had his favorites in his children even if he left them alone for now. Ablus assured him that he was fine but he seriously doubted that at seeing him as he was, a mess. There were tears rolling down his cheeks and those normally bright eyes were dull with sadness and unfocused from constant thought. It was a look that Kieran could recgonize because Harley often told him he looked like that when he had a moment and was thinking too much. She always saw it right away and snapped him out of it because he could thinking himself into the hole of depressed he had convinced himself he would live in for the rest of his life. It was one thing for him to suffer that alone and it was something he would not wish upon another and he didn't like seeing his friends sad.

Any other person with problems would have told Albus to get over it because they had been through worse and Kieran was certainly in the right position to say that but he didn't like going about life like that. Yes, he'd gone through something terrible to say the least but everybody went through different experiences and in his mind nobody should suffer at all. After Albus' items were picked up and placed back on the table he put his stuff down on the other side and took a seat. Homework and studies could wait, he was caught up anyway only having planned to write an extra credit assignment today. Taking a seat he looked at Albus again, hoping he would answer his question or he would ask again. Leaving him alone was a bad idea and since he was here he would try to calm him down to where he wouldn't worry about leaving him by himself. Albus remained standing and Kieran stood back up seeing him just back up until the bookshelf was right behind him. He looked scared, now that he thought about it, there was fear and worry and anxiety and this worried him because such emotions made a person irrational. Moving closer he still kept some distance to not crowd him, Kieran himself in his high anxiety moments got to a point where people in his space only made it worse and he just needed to get out of where he felt claustrophobic, but everybody was different though space was important. Well, what did you do? Kieran wouldn't put it past Albus to take the blame somehow for somebody else's mistake but seeing him look near broken was making him think otherwise and maybe Albus had done something, but what?

At the mention of a boy he could narrow down what the issue was, but now he was just running down the list of the w's, who? Who told you that? It was a terrible thing to say that to a person, whether it was meant or not. Just because that person was not meant for you did not mean they were not good enough and sometimes it just didn't work. Kieran hardly had the relationship experience of most students and even of Albus having been so incredibly shy but he could provide some insight on rejection and judgement, though this mention of Albus being a whore was news to him, he never saw him as that type. Tell me what's going on? Kieran was a little bit lost and he was going to have to give him details if there was any hope of calming him down at this point.

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lyrics: heroes - david bowie
words: 769
notes:
credit: to vanessa!