was that how we said goodbye << eva

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If there was ever one thing that Eva disliked more than anything else, it was someone trying to tell her what she thought or felt about something, or someone. No one knew better than she did what she was feeling or thinking, and for anyone to try and tell her otherwise made her angry. True, Eva didn’t talk about her feelings a great deal, or with a bunch of people – she didn’t at all actually – but for someone to make claims of such when they had no fathomable idea to begin with was unacceptable as far as she was concerned. She knew that she needed to get past this at some point in her life, but she didn’t foresee that happening anytime in the near future. And even now, with Jack standing before her looking disbelieving at her, she was angry.

She knew that she Owed him something, or at least an explanation, but could she do it now? She knew that she wouldn’t get much more time to do so, but she also didn’t want to rush this either. If this was meant to be something more than what it was, she didn’t want to be hasty about it. Part of her didn’t understand why Jack couldn’t understand that, or see it for that matter. She knew that not everyone was the same, and that some people opened up to others faster than some people, but Eva was not one of those people. She took a long time to open up to someone in such a way, especially if he was asking her to be with him and, at some point, open her heart to him. She actually found that to be quite selfish of him.

As far as Eva saw, she was trying, which is more than she’s ever allowed anyone else. And the fact that he was treating it like this should be a simple step process for her was rather insulting. She wasn’t a simple girl in that respect, and she didn’t take the idea of a relationship lightly. She might be a serious flirt and be overly friendly with a wide array of people, but she would never enter into such a situation lightly, or for shits and giggles. She didn’t feel that was fair to either party involved and the last thing she wanted to do was start a relationship with Jack and then find that she was wrong. It wasn’t fair to him and she didn’t want to be that girl.

Apparently, honesty didn’t go a long way these days and it was all supposed to be lies and deceit. If that is what he wanted, then she would happily tell him she wanted more from him without a moment’s hesitation and carry on with the perks of being with him and then make a fool out of him later. She felt he was far more respectable than that, and she had some morals. But, from the way he was acting right now, she was supposed to just hastily give a reply and be done with it. She couldn’t do that, no matter how much she wished she could. Didn’t he understand that this wasn’t easy for her? Didn’t he get that even taking the time to have this conversation with him was a big step for her? Why was he being so selfish right now?

She could only wonder that as she watched him take a step back from her and tell her that he doubted she was sorry for the pain she caused him. Was he being serious? “Excuse me?” she asked him, her tone taking on an entirely different tone than she had been using the whole time thus far. Up until this moment, she had been timid and afraid to speak entirely, and her tone of voice showed. Now, her voice was stronger as she suddenly felt the desire to defend herself. She didn’t like this, or the feeling she got from it, and the way he was speaking and acting now, it was as if she just told him that he was a fool and that he needed to stop trying to force some silly idea of them being happy together. She had said no such thing. She didn’t like it when people put words into her mouth.

“What?” she asked him when he told her that everyone is afraid of being hurt, but that it happens to everyone. It definitely did not happen to everyone. It only happened to those who were with someone who hurt them. Of course, people don’t enter into a relationship with the expectation of being hurt, but that didn’t mean that the fear of it wasn’t present, or that it wouldn’t happen. Sometimes a person could be hurt unintentionally, which is what she had done to Jack the first time around when he asked her for more than what she was ready to give. It wasn’t her fault she couldn’t give him what he wanted, even if she wanted to give it to him. It was like she was detached in such a way that she just could not one and two together to make three.

She bit her lower lip when he told her that this was all very simple and that she was only making this complicated. She opened her mouth to say something, but stopped when he spoke again, telling her that he wished she would just tell him what she was feeling instead of the nonsense she was spouting. He didn’t think she was capable of talking about her feelings. “Finally, you’ve gotten it,” she said with a rather snotty tone. She didn’t usually speak to people this way, unless they were an enemy of hers, and her hands were now on her hips. “You’re completely right, Jack. I can’t,” she said to him. “If it was as simple as just saying what I was feeling, half of this conversation wouldn’t have happened. But you just don’t get it,” she said as she instinctively took a step closer to him.

Eva sighed audibly as she looked up at Jack. She ran her fingers through her hair, messing it up a bit as she did so, and then brought her hands back down to her hips. “It’s hard for me to do this. With anyone, and the fact that I have even been trying so far for you should speak volumes, but clearly it doesn’t,” she said. “you say you wish I could just tell you what I am feeling. Well, I wish you could understand how hard that is for me. I don’t just talk about my feelings to people and you’re asking me to pretty much spill my heart and soul out to you. I can’t just do that, Jack. I don’t even talk to my sister like this, and she’s my sister!” she said as she then turned around and took a deep breath. She needed to calm down before she said anything else.

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This was hardly becoming easier by the minute or as any time passed on. It seemed that anything said was only being taken into consideration and not being acted upon. Simply by the look on her face did he know that he should have not spoken so soon or maybe he was better off just not saying anything. His frustration had gotten the better of him in this case and he just spoke what he was feeling, something that she couldn't do with him or anyone for that matter. It was so disheartening to try this hard for someone and get a blank stare in return, he put himself out here in the open and for what? As soon as Jack expressed his disagreement in that she had felt anything during this process he saw her go into defensive mode. That was not the direction he had intended and it was far off from the almost open state she had been in previously where she might have opened up to him some or at least made some progress. It was like what he was saying held no truth, to him it was and from what he had observed and experienced it was a little bit true for a lot of other people. He was just trying to figure this all out and figure out what he could do if she wasn't willing to do something. Why was he working so hard for this? Jack couldn't remember the last time he had put this much effort into a girl or any type of relationship like this and really he was regretting it right now and figured that if one of them didn't walk away from this current conversation it wouldn't end well at all.

As far as getting hurt was concerned, not all hurt was from a boyfriend or girlfriend or marriage or whatever. He had seen his mother in deep emotional pain from her miscarriages and his father in pain from witnessing and experiencing that as well. People got hurt from many different venues, this happened to be the most common. It was how you dealt with it, do you fear it forever? Or do you just expect it and avoid it? Jack avoided it if he could but when he put his foot forward with the knowledge that it could happen it only made the fall that much harder. The tone was now much different than how she had been speaking before, clearly he had hit a nerve and right on the money too from what he was experiencing. All she had to do was talk to him, that was it and she refused that. Even in the beginning there was only conversation when he had initiated it and outside of the physical relationship there was his attempt and their conversations previously of course but he wanted more. It was almost hypocritical for Jack to preach on talking about feelings and sharing emotions when he had enough trouble with his own. There were very few that he lifted the veil for and removed that wall in order to be vulnerable and open and he was trying with her and she wasn't getting the hint. She moved closer to him as he had previously moved back, he understood it loud and clear he just hadn't wanted to bring it up until he had just gotten frustrated enough to do so.

You haven't told me anything. Nothing except that you don't want to be with me. Was she really that cold and closed off that she couldn't tell him anything and he had been listening closely for something, just something to give him a little bit of hope in his quest here for them and she wasn't giving him any rope to grab on to. I just want something, not everything. His tone calmed down a notch from what it had been previously and really he was just tired. They were already arguing and to no solution. Eva turned away from him and that only signaled that she had completely shut down on him and was closed off. It had never been his intention to make her upset, and he didn't want to be upset either. It's just....at some point you have to give me something, or I'll just stop waiting for you. If she was going to be brutally honest then so was he. It was that simple, just like he had said. Maybe it was time to give up, and he really saw that option in a different light now and no matter what he was going to feel a sting and some residual pain from this and he just had to accept that. Was he ready to move on? No at that moment and in his current mindset he didn't want to make any rash promises to himself either. Jack felt that he had upset her and normally would have offered a hug or something, but he knew better than to enter her personal space. So much for a quiet evening that ran smoothly, this was anything but. Crossing his arms again and loosening his tie more as it felt tight around his neck, he spoke softly. If you want to go for the night, I understand. I'll be fine here.

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lyrics: I miss you - Incubus
words: 884
notes:

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Eva couldn’t believe how hard this was for her. She never talked about her feelings, or at least not her in depth ones, but this was more difficult than she ever expected it to be. But why though? Why couldn’t she just tell him how she felt? Better yet, did she even know how she felt? She knew she felt something, but she wasn’t exactly sure what that something was. And how would she even be able to articulate that to Jack? She had a hard enough time conveying that she cared for him more than just a friend, since he obviously had no idea that she did. She thought she had been pretty obvious about it, considering how she is with most others she comes into contact with, but she obviously had difficulty with it since she couldn’t get her point across.

She sighed heavily when he told her that she hasn’t told him anything, except for the fact that she didn’t want to be with him, and he found herself getting more and more aggravated by this entire situation. Yes, she had said that, but she said it six months ago. Was it fair for him to keep holding that over her head? But has she since changed her mind? That was the part she needed to figure out, and quickly, because she wasn’t sure how much more she’d be able to deal with this. She already missed him in the sense of their friendship, and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t miss him in other ways. But she also knew it would be wrong to say she missed him in such a way if she had no intentions of maintaining a relationship with him.

He told her that he didn’t want everything from her, just something, but what did he consider something? She had no idea, but she needed to take a quick breather before she said anything else. She had turned away from him, sighing audibly as she did so, and stood there for a few moments trying to collect her thoughts. He spoke again, and told her that she’d have to give him at least something before he decided to stop waiting for her to make her decision. She knew that he was right, but she was torn between doing what she couldn’t stop herself from thinking about and preserving her heart and her feelings even longer than she already has been doing. There had been a long silence that fell over them both, and she could only imagine what he was thinking right now.

She stood there with her back to him trying to decide what to do or say next, or if she should even bother at all. Obviously, nothing she said right now was helping and it only seemed to be getting them both more and more aggravated as this conversation carried on. It was then that he spoke, and told her that she was free to leave if she wanted, and that he’d be fine finishing up the rounds himself. She knew it would probably be for the best that she did leave, to give them both some space and distance, and time, to think about everything that had been said so far between them, and for them to both think about what would happen next, if anything at all. but if she left now, wouldn’t it only reinforce his belief that she wanted nothing from him?

She swallowed the lump she hadn’t even realized had risen up in her throat and took a deep breath. “I don’t want to go,” she said before she could stop herself, and slowly turned around to face him, “but I will understand if you want me to. I know this isn’t easy for you either,” she said softly. How could it be easy for him? She was sure she’d be just as frustrated as he was if she was in his shoes and he was doing this to her. She knew it was wrong to drag this whole thing out, but she was just so confused about everything, about him; she didn’t know what to do, and she had no advice from anyone to base her decision. “I want to be close to you… but it’s so hard for me,” she said as she finally looked up into his eyes.

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The last time that Jack had even entered a conversation that had been so difficult was when he had finally decided that he and Chloe were done. That had been an arduous decision for him and in the end it was a situation that it was just better for both of them. Even as they had argued, and tears were shed and he fell into a depression he stood by that decision even as he sometimes secretly regretted it. This was just frustrating and really was going nowhere. He couldn't force her to make a decision and he didn't want that type of relationship with her. There had to be some mutual thing about this and they were no where near that as it had become evidently clear. The only words that rang true in his head were that she didn't want to be with him like that, in a relationship where it mattered much more on an emotional level he had hardly found himself reaching again. Where sex was not just sex and you add love to the mix and you had something beautiful. Jack had contemplated on whether he had just grown the idea in his own head out of the loneliness after his ex-girlfriend. That longing to just have someone close to him on a level of intimacy he had a hard time reaching with anybody and it was special if he ever did. In a sense they both had those issues of trust and emotionally connecting, but in this case he had broken from the mold and out of his comfort zone to take the first step. The long he waited out in the open without his guard up the more he got hurt.

Even as he spoke she stayed turned away from him and didn't say anything. Jack didn't think he was asking for a lot at all and just wanted just something, anything really so he could know what to do. If she stayed silent then he might just stop pursuing her and let himself get over this one and go on with his life. If she wanted him to, he could wait sometime but hardly forever. While his intentions were clear and in the open she had said nothing. How do you work with that? You don't. It was clear that she was thinking and planning what to say next, that is if she was going to say anything. They might not have known what each other was going through and Jack had hardly been in the position of the receiving end of unrequited love but he now knew what this side felt and it wasn't hardly fun at all. If she didn't want to give him a definitive answer at this moment, then fine. For the moment he really had nothing else to say and his level of aggravation was just at a level that he just felt he needed to get out. Suddenly the large castle felt small and he felt trapped. There was this anxiety in his chest that he felt bubbling up and he hated that he had let himself get to this point of feeling this way. Suddenly, he remembered why he chose to be closed off, guarded and all that because the process was painful and he'd gone through the motions before and felt that pain where it hurt the most and he never wanted that again.

Jack offered her a way to leave, that he could finish the rounds on his own because he didn't even know how to act after this. Obviously she was feeling something, but was it worth acting upon in her mind? He would never know it seemed and if she continued to be closed off about this and refuse to talk to him about it then clearly it was only foreshadowing on what could be or could have been. He created a small glimmer of hope in the back of his mind just for his own sanity and since she wasn't giving him that satisfaction. Did she always play with boys like this? Toy with them and then their emotions next? Jack felt like a pawn in her grand scheme of things and in her game which only added to his aggravation. It was so simple, and yet complex and wasn't going to get figured out today. Finally, she faced him and that she had reiterate that this wasn't easy for him only seemed to mock him and this whole predicament. Jack just wanted to shut down, clear his head and not dwell. His tone wasn't harsh, but it wasn't the soul-baring man that had stood before her not ten minutes ago. There was a pause and he looked up as she finally spoke again. Close to him? What did that mean. There was this small leaping feeling feeling in his chest and he wondered if this was the hope he was searching for. Still, he didn't want her to get scared off either. What did he say? Jack paused and their eyes seemed to connect for a minute, he was still certain that they needed some space right now but obviously he had heard what she had said. His blue eyes softened, now he felt confused as well but he heard her loud and clear. There was something there.

I think you should go. She was trying, and he was trying but they both needed space.

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lyrics: I miss you - Incubus
words: 906
notes:

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Never in all of her sixteen, almost seventeen, years has Eva ever felt like this. She was sure she didn’t like it, but what could she really do about it? This was partially her doing, if not all of it, and she felt like she had no choice but to leave and save whatever bit of dignity she had left. But she couldn’t. She didn’t want to, and she had told Jack exactly that when she finally turned back around to face him. Eva held her breath for what felt like ages as she stood there facing Jack. She wasn’t sure what he was thinking or if he even picked up on her words or her meaning behind them. She hoped he did understand though, and that it would be hard for her to just come out and say she wanted to be with him.

She was sure that this situation, no matter what happened in the end, would not be decided upon tonight, and she was both glad and sad about that fact. She didn’t want it to drag out for too long, but she didn’t want to make any rash decisions either. This was too big of a decision to make hastily, yet also something she didn’t want to intentionally hurt him over it either. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other as she waited for him to say something in return. He only hoped that what she had admitted, about wanting to be close to him, gave him some sort of indication on where she was in this whole big mess they’ve created for themselves. Why did life have to be so complicated? And yet, deep down, she knew it would only get worse.

When he finally spoke to her, his words had an effect on her she didn’t quite expect. She sucked in a sharp breath as she looked up at him, and wondered if he really meant what he said. “Yeah, you’re probably right,” she said softly. She then took a deep breath and started to turn around to take her leave. “I guess I’ll see you around sometime,” she said, her eyebrows arching slightly as if it indicate she hoped so. “I’ll go patrol down in the lower levels then,” she said with a nod of her head before she started to move past him. “Have a good evening, Jack,” she told him before she continued down the corridor.

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very short, but to the point, my apologies